Musings From A Funeral

Recently at a funeral I looked down at the boots I had chosen to wear that grey, wet day.  I wore them to my father's funeral and on many more occasions in the intervening period.  Cost per wear, they owe me nothing and I still love them.

 

 

  Quality investment in shoes, as in life, love and relationships, is rarely wasted.  Sadly, these boots might be sought out for similar sombre occasions as funerals seem to be more prolific at the moment than weddings or other more cheerful occasions.

As dreadfully sad as it is to lose someone, to have to gather together to mark this person's passing and celebrate their life, it is also often cathartic, even enjoyable to reminisce, to pay your respects to family and grieve with others who may be feeling the same.  On this occasion we had come together to celebrate the life of a local man who loved life, his family, the land he farmed, all things to do with the ocean and his community.  Involved in many groups, he worked hard physically, loved to participate in diverse sporting and recreational pursuits and was a sort of larger than life character.

What was so evident from the words spoken by each of his grandchildren was that many of his admirable qualities had been passed down to them.  I am sure much of inheritance is genetic but quality time spent together must surely have given these young people the chance to learn many of the life skills and attitudes of their grandparent.  The humour and affection he had shown to each of them was reflected back in the words they spoke. The bonds of friendship between the cousins was lovely to witness.  With each fond remembrance described it was not distance or boundaries or discipline which came to mind.  Instead it was images of laughter, doing farm work, meals eaten in company and time spent. The photo montage emphasized this and most beautiful to me was the image of the mature man gazing into the face of his first grandchild.

 

Of course their grandfather was not a paragon, without fault or quirks of character or personality but he had nurtured a family and friendships with people who forgave him these foibles, who loved him, laughed with him (and at him) and supported him in his final days.

 

 

Having just read "Elemental" by Amanda Curtin and been moved by the story of a grandmother writing the family to her granddaughter I saw the contrast in the relationship that Meggie, the grandmother, had had with her own grandfather.  She recalls him as a harsh, grim, intolerant man who was in some ways very cruel.  Later in the novel we are given a glimpse of him from a different perspective as a man who might have just been doing what he thought he had to do given that he lacked the information and knowledge available to us today.

"-The old man- you know, I wonder whether the whole thing was rather bewildering for him.
You're defending him?
Hardly.  But imagine what it must have been like in 1905, a whole way of life sort of...collapsing.  Suddenly you're shunned for upholding beliefs your people held for generations."  Elemental, Amanda Curtin,  p420

Unfortunately not everyone has the great gift of interested parents or grandparents.  Not everyone is lucky enough or wishes to leave children or grandchildren as their legacy.  But we each have the chance to invest in quality relationships so that when inevitably it is time for our own stories to be told they will be compelling accounts recalled with fondness, perspective and warmth.  We have the same chance as Meggie from "Elemental" who struggled poverty, hardship, tragic loss but was able to leave as a message for her grandchild that, "...it comforts me a little to think of all I have written in these books, the life that I have made from the life given to me.  And to see that from the greatest shame have come these things, the greatest joys." Elemental, Amanda Curtin, p413

Not all family legacy is innocuous or just the inheritance of red hair or a trait of character. Family legacy can sometimes very debilitating to our own enjoyment and engagement in our own lives and families.  If you can, take the advice of George Bernard Shaw.

Time passes and while seemingly only yesterday I was looking down at my boots while saying goodbye to my father it was actually eight years. If I'm lucky it will be a goodly passage of time before it will be my turn.  We each inevitably will come to pass so we should try to bear in in that we can influence the sort of stories that will be told about us.

"Everyone underestimates their own life.  Funny thing is, in the end, all our stories...they're all the same.  In fact, no matter where you go in the world, there is only one important story: of youth, loss and yearning for redemption.  So we tell the same story, over and over.  Just the details are different."  Rohinton Mistry, Family Matters.

Make sure you pay attention to the details of your own stories, the character development should be strong and if you are suffering a bit of writer's block or something is holding you back, try this.